Coffee is the new margarita

Ok, time to reconcile my fear of blogs, now that I am three cups of caffeine to the wind and sitting across from that eminent blogger MT. To the wind - yes, I am one of those unfortunates who drinks a cup of coffee and then can't walk a straight line. This makes the afternoon-at-work coffee break a stumbling block rather than an energizer, but we all learn to live with our handicaps, don't we.

What it comes down to, is whenever I sit in front of the blogger.com sign in screen, I feel this pressure to add something of value to cyberspace. I create a standard for what that "value" is, strain my thoughts through that seive and come up overwhelmed and emptyhanded.

Now, if you know me, and know how I talk (and talk and talk and talk), this process of elimination seems incongruous. My approach to speaking is that it is not any specific indendence of talking that is important, but it is the net conversation that gets put in stone. So over the course of a week I may talk about a topic five times, 3 times from one perspective, and one time each from two opposing perspectives. The idea behind this, is that conversation is interesting, and the more perspectives that get added in the better it gets. It does not matter if those perspectives are note grounded in my beliefs. This is sort of a Pollock approach to conversating, and I won't deny that it gets confusing for a lot of people, but it is my unbreakable habit.

But out here on the blog, it all gets recorded. There is a real-time juxtaposition of what I said then to what I said now. Because of the written record, I get this feeling that every statement I make now limits the possible statements that I can make in the future. I stayed away from choose-your-own-adventure books as a pre-teen because of the fear of winding up cornered in the back of the cave with the monster bearing down on me after making only two measily decisions.

Mmmm, hmmm. Myabe by articulating this whole mess up front, I have stretched it out from a tight little ball of obstacle to a fluff of barrier. Drawn out to wispiness it is nearly transparent. Due to the fact that I am seeing the screen in double right now, I am going to let the metaphor drop and order another cup.